You’ve GOT to be a SPECIAL KINDA STUPID! 
Archive for the 'The Voice of Reason' Category
1. You cut the collars out of all of your workout shirts.
2. You drink more water than a camel in the middle of a drought.
3. You have face wrinkles from intense grunting and straining that normal people don’t have.
4. Your monthly supplement bill is more than your monthly mortgage.
5. If you happen to wake up at 3:00 a.m., you make yourself a protein shake.
6. You start lifting earlier than the U.S. military even gets out of bed.
7. Your abdominals are super ripped, but for some reason this area is so bloated that it bulges out further than your chest.
8. You hate 13 page magazine information articles on new supplements.
9. You endorse supplements that you wouldn’t even use yourself.
10. Your workout now takes 1 hour or less compared to when you use to lift for 3 hours a day every day.
11. People stop working out and watch you as you do your dead lifts.
12. You need 5 spotters when you do squats.
13. You know the gram count of every known protein food source on the planet.
14. You have thrown up after doing heavy legs.
15. You REALLY can’t straighten out your elbows.
16. You know every muscle in the body by scientific name as well as the correct spellings.
17. You take 9 times the daily recommended dosages on all of the supplements that you take.
18. You know that a hip sled isn’t used in the snow.
19. You have to stay downstairs for 2 days after doing legs.
20. The middle of your chest has grown together and is now one huge pec muscle.
21. Your hands are more callused than a bricklayer’s.
22. You know that “Amino” isn’t a Spanish word for friend.
23. Your butt is as hard as your biceps.
24. The bar bends as you mount it when doing heavy squats.
25. You have seen stars while doing squats.
26. You tend to wear shorts on cold days.
27. Your food taste like card board.
28. You have a personalized weight belt.
29. Your kitchen counter is lined with buckets of whey protein.
30. You warm up with more weight than most people work out with.
31. You say to yourself, “Man, am I big”.
32. Your buddy has to hand you dumb bells one at a time for benching.
33. You believe the SQUAT is the “King” of all exercises.
34. You know that a “Tear Drop” isn’t from being emotional.
35. You know that “Quad Sweep” isn’t a four sided broom.
36. You want steroids legalized.
37. You know that a “Lat Spread” isn’t a Spanish dinner festival.
38. Your chest is bigger than your wife/girlfriend’s
39. You hang out at the local gym café drinking protein shakes after your workouts.
40. Your best buddy is a meat cutter at your local super market.
41. You have ground all of the enamel off of your teeth.
42. Your doctor takes blood samples from your bicep veins.
43. You can now make your pec muscles “Dance”.
44. You would go bankrupt if you had to buy your own 45lb. plates.
45. You realized that competition placings don’t pay enough.
46. You eat more chicken in one week, then most families eat in a month.
47. You have officiated bench press competitions at your local gym.
48. You’ve used diet soda as a diuretic.
49. You have a savings account that will later be used for “Gyno” surgery.
50. You have to use lotion between your thighs after doing legs.
51. You have a dumb bell as a paper weight.
52. You have to wear a T-shirt that says, “No autographs during my workout”.
53. You know that watching your muscles while lifting is not an ego trip.
54. You need two people to tighten your weight belt for dead lifts.
55. You have to walk through doors sideways.
56. You learned that you have to eat because you have to – not because it tastes good.
57. You have an exercise or exercise technique named after you.
58. You take more pills than your grandmother & grandfather put together.
59. You’re the only guy lifting on a holiday.
60. You’re one of the 10% lifting on the weekend.
61. You ask for a milkshake when you go out drinking with the boys.
62. You realize that lunges aren’t for sissy’s.
63. You carry around a gallon jug of water while you lift.
64. You’ve taken a trip to Mexico and it wasn’t vacation time.
65. You use the term “Guns” to describe your arm size.
66. You wish protein bars didn’t cost so much.
67. You eat oatmeal by the pound.
68. Your weight goals are: 180 in 1 year, 220 in 2 years, 250 in 3 years and 275 in 4 years.
69. You know to lose fat, you have to eat, not starve on salads.
70. Your wife or girlfriend have said: “That’s Big Enough”
71. You have more competition trophies than family pictures.
72. You know that an old rusty 50 pound dumb bell weights just as much as as a new 50 pound shiny chrome dumb bell.
73. You know that a “French Press” is not a sexual position.
74. You can only wear extra baggy pants.
75. Because you need a dress shirt with an 18” neck, the rest of your shirt looks like a hot air balloon.
76. Your forearms are bigger than normal peoples thighs.
77. You have actually tried to dead lift your sisters car when her girlfriends came over.
78. You actually, to your own surprise, did lift the car!
79. Everybody knows you by name at your local gym.
80. You know that there are no secrets to power.
81. You get bruises on your quads from setting dumb bells on them when you do heavy dumb bell bench and presses.
82. Your traps always tickle your ears when you turn your head sideways.
83. You can split the back out of most shirts.
84. Sweat is always channeled down in between your pecs.
85. You have 3 dresser drawers full of competition t-shirts.
86. You almost have a heart attack watching other people’s lifting techniques.
87. You no longer do ¼ squats.
88. You can convert kilo’s into pounds without a calculator or chart.
89. During high school, you failed anatomy class, but now you’re a muscle rocket scientist.
90. You can’t possibly sit with your legs closed.
91. Your gym bag has more accessories than the gym its self.
92. You can no longer drive small sports cars.
93. You enter truck pulling contests on your days off.
94. You know a vitamin or mineral for every letter of the alphabet.
95. You scare most cops.
96. You have to store your vitamins and minerals in 3 different spice racks.
97. You asked Santa to get you some new supplements and a squat rack.
98. Your New Years Resolution was to gain another 30 pounds.
99. Every Halloween you dress up as a Bodybuilder.
100. You take any supplement that claims “Anabolic effects”.
101. You wear a bandana when you lift.
102. Your gym membership is free because your presence brings in business.
103. You have used medicine intended for animals.
104. Your local veterinarian is your best friend now.
105. You bought 2 cows and 1 horse just to throw off you neighbours.
106. You get massively upset when your workout momentum is interrupted.
107. You wonder why amino acid pills are so big.
108. You can actually swallow amino acid horse pills.
109. You still drink raw eggs even though you have had salmonella 5 times.
110. You hate doing cardio with a passion.
111. You told the pharmacist that, “Oh, those needles are for my diabetic aunt”.
112. You tried to open a Mexican pharmacy in the States and got arrested.
113. For some reason, in the off season, you move to Mexico to workout.
114. You know more about insulin than people with diabetes.
115. You stay out of bar fights because you know that you can literally rip heads off now.
116. You can carry 37 bags from the car after buying groceries.
117. Your friends always want you to help them move.
118. People actually say “Excuse Me” when they bump into you.
119. You have your supplier’s name on speed dial.
04
Jun
08
Too busy??
08
May
08
Women!!
16
Apr
08
Wake Me When I’m Dead
“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers.
The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently.
They’re not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo.
You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as crazy, we see genius.
Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.” – Jack Kerouac
You did it again this morning, didn’t you? You got up to the irritating sound of your alarm clock and staggered into the bathroom to shave your face… just like you have done every other day for the past twenty years.
With the last stroke of the razor, you considered grabbing the clippers and giving yourself a crew cut. Or maybe you should let it grow long like you did in high school. After all, you still have a full head of hair so why not grow it out while you can? No, that’s not what successful corporate people do. So you keep it average length, neat and clean, and slather in the gel.
That’s the right thing to do.
As you gaze into the mirror, you sometimes wonder how it ever ended up like this. This wasn’t the future you envisioned. Staring back at you isn’t the rebellious teen that stood up for what he believed in and never let anyone control his thoughts. That person would have never gotten up each morning to shave his beard, part his hair, put on a suit, and go work a job he despises. He wouldn’t toil away at a meaningless, trivial existence,
working for “big business,” sacrificing his blood, sweat, and tears just to make another man rich.
Would he???
But this is the path you’ve chosen. So you slip on your expensive Italian leather shoes, get in your car, and put on talk radio as you drive to work. As much as you used to love to listen to Howard Stern, you realize now that you can’t do that anymore. Intelligent, successful, grown-ups don’t listen to the Stern show but rather the drive time news. It’s safe and won’t offend anyone. And that is what you are programmed to be-safe and
inoffensive.
But this is the path you’ve chosen. So you slip on your expensive Italian leather shoes, get in your car, and put on talk radio as you drive to work. As much as you used to love to listen to Howard Stern, you realize now that you can’t do that anymore. Intelligent, successful, grown-ups don’t listen to the Stern show but rather the drive time news. It’s safe and won’t offend anyone. And that is what you are programmed to be-safe and
inoffensive.
You stop at Starbucks for a five dollar latte and walk into work, politely greeting your coworkers, the same people you despised growing up. But now you are one of them. You sold your soul and gave up your dream. Now your dream is everyone else’s dream – that you will be fortunate enough to slave away for another man’s company from nine to five every single day until you are in your fifties or sixties. After that you can retire with enough money to put the kids through college and comfortably enjoy the rest of your
life. Put the next thirty years on hold because you have work to do and money to make. You will start living when all that is done. That’s the plan, isn’t it?
Lunch time rolls around and you go out to the best steakhouse in town because you have to impress your clients and coworkers and you know that high quality beef is the prize you get for being at the top of your game. You read somewhere recently that meat consumption causes cancer and contributes to the destruction of the environment. But you will die of stress before you get cancer, and you will be gone long before all the rain forests are, so maybe you don’t have to worry about it. Besides, what will your colleagues think if you made such a statement?
You can’t make people think or question what they believe in, can you?
They will tell you not to be one of “those people” and will suddenly look at you in a whole new light. You don’t want to stand out, you don’t want to be different, and you don’t want to cause problems. Successful businessmen dine on the finest beef they can find, and if you want to be considered one, you will keep your mouth shut, order your steak, and eat it. After all, you’ve got an expensive mortgage to pay.
When the work day ends you get back in your car and head to the fanciest gym in town. The one that is spotlessly clean and has all the newest and shiniest machines. On your ride over, you listen to light rock or pop. Gone are your Black Flag, Public Enemy, and Misfits CD’s replaced now by the sounds of Maroon 5 and Sheryl Crow. Mature, successful adults don’t listen to loud, rebellious music, do they?
As you undress in the locker room, you remember when you were young and vowed to get a bunch of tattoos once you were of legal age. You had them laid out in your head, where they would go, what each one symbolized, and exactly what colors they would be. But as you stare at your bare chest, you see not a one. Another broken promise to yourself.
You start your workout with a walk on the treadmill because that’s what everyone does. You know that jumping rope is probably a better option, but no one else does it so you don’t want to draw attention to yourself. Besides, you haven’t done anything requiring that much coordination since college. So you walk. And with every step you lose another piece of yourself as you watch your athleticism slip further and further away.
After your warm up, you go through the circuit of machines just like everyone else does. In between sets, you have flashbacks to the training scenes from Rocky IV and remember how motivated it got you and how much fun it looked to train with tires and kegs and sledgehammers. How exhilarating it must be to train outside in the dead of winter or to squat a weight most men dare not dream of? You promised yourself that you would start to train like that. You challenged yourself to start being a man for once and train like it
meant something to you.
meant something to you.
But here you are a decade or so later doing the same exact bullshit. The treadmill, the Smith machine, the leg curl. It’s all part of your daily routine designed to help you stay “in shape.” There are no goals, no desired outcomes, no risks, and no challenges. You sleepwalk through every pointless workout like a fucking zombie and can’t wait to finish so you can get home, eat your homogenized dinner, watch your big screen television, and get to bed so you can wake up and do the same thing over again tomorrow.
This is the life you have chosen. But deep down, when you are lying alone at night and being truly honest with yourself, you know that it is not the life you planned. You yearn for something more. You want to take the razor to your head tomorrow morning instead of your face. You want to stop being so fucking polite to people who don’t deserve it. You want to speak up for what you believe in no matter who it offends.
If you think long and hard, you can remember how all this started.
As college graduation approached, we were all told to choose the path of least resistance. Put together a resume and get a nice corporate job working in an office. That’s what smart people do. You wanted to start your own business or travel the world, but you were discouraged by the naysayers. Your dreams as a kid didn’t involve making a million dollars or answering to “the board.” You wanted to do things, meet interesting people, go new places, take risks, and be adventurous.
In high school and college, you trained for a reason. You did deadlifts and power cleans and sprints and jumps. You played sports on a team or recreationally and did it often. But now the only “sport” you play is golf.
And as the weather gets nicer, you continually think of buying a surfboard and selling your clubs. But what will everyone think? Kids and beach bums are the only guys who surf, not successful corporate people. They play golf and only golf.
And as the weather gets nicer, you continually think of buying a surfboard and selling your clubs. But what will everyone think? Kids and beach bums are the only guys who surf, not successful corporate people. They play golf and only golf.
You had the option. You could have taken a massive swipe and smashed the bottle of Kool Aid against the wall when it was offered to you. But instead you gladly drank it. And now you are living someone else’s life and hating every minute of it. The only one who can change it is you, but only if you are honest and tell yourself the truth for once in your life.
Remember that business idea you’ve had kicking around in the back of your head for the last few years? Draw up a plan, take out a loan, and do it.
Life is meaningless without risks to take and goals to pursue.
Sell the golf clubs and the fancy car and get a surfboard and a Harley. That’s what you always wanted anyway, so why not finally be happy? Why not be yourself and say the hell with what everyone else thinks?
Tomorrow’s a new day. Shave your head or start growing your hair out.
Dress the way you want. Skip the trip to Starbucks for a latte and make your own cup of strong, black coffee and take the time to enjoy it for once.
Stop living a lie. Pull out your old Pantera and Nine Inch Nails CD’s and fill your car with them. Cancel the fitness center membership and find a real weight room or gym. If there are none in your area, create one in your garage and find some good partners.
Discover what it means to really train instead of just working out. Challenge yourself and set goals. Push yourself to the edge. Work harder than you have in years even if it means puking or being unable to get up off the floor for twenty minutes. Scare the shit out of yourself. Unless you have clutched your heart in fear after a brutally intense conditioning circuit praying that it doesn’t explode from beating so hard, you have never actually trained. Until you have gotten sick to your stomach just thinking about putting a weight on your back that is so heavy it could blow out both of your knees if you miss the rep, you have never actually trained.
Realize that there is a huge difference between true fitness and the appearance of fitness. Improve your strength, your speed, your power, and your endurance and throw out the damn bicep curls and cable crossovers. Become a modern day warrior and realize that you are never too old. Stock your garage with tires, sledgehammers, kegs, kettlebells, and medicine balls.
And if your wife complains about having to park outside from now on, realize that you owe it to yourself to tell her to “deal with it.”
It’s your life and you’re taking it back.
Burn bridges if you have to. Alienate or offend powerful or influential people. They can’t help you wake up from this horrible nightmare you are living. Leave yourself with no plan B, no easy way out. Force yourself to be truthful and finally have the balls to do what you have been saying you would do for the last ten years.
Life is hard, no doubt. But living a lie is even harder.
Wake up tomorrow and start living YOUR life, not somebody else’s. Speak up for once. Offend somebody. Make a difference in the world. Rally against injustice. Pursue your dreams. Get a tattoo or a Mohawk. Go somewhere new. Stop worrying about what people think. Train like you have a cage fight in twelve weeks and your survival depends on it. Finally do the things that you want to do and be the person you want to be.
For if you do not do these things, you can rest assured that in your final hour you will be filled with the overwhelming regret that you wasted your time on earth and are headed to the grave without ever having truly lived. The choice is yours.
Jason Ferruggia is a professional fitness coach based out of the New Jersey/New York area with over 14 years of “in the trenches” experience. He has trained over 500 high school, college, and professional athletes. He is the head training adviser for Men’s Fitness magazine and has authored hundreds of articles for numerous other magazines and training websites.
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