It is with great sadness that we learned of the passing of JC Steyn on Tuesday 7 October 2008 after a long illness. JC was an inspiration to all of us that knew him and he will be sorely missed. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family and loved ones.

New Rule #1:     No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

New Rule #2:     Stop giving me that pop-up ad for schoolfriends.com!! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days – his own boss – running a garden service.

 
New Rule #3:     Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out of a window unless you’re a freaking seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a lunch box of KFC. Hey, it cost less than R30! What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule #4:     If you need to shave and you still collect rugby posters from the middle page of a magazine, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the posters are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.

New Rule #5:     Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here ‘s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we’re done.

New Rule #6:     There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule #7:     Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #8:     The more complicated the Mugg & Bean order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Mugg & Bean and order a ‘decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low, and One NutraSweet,’ Oooooh, you’re a damn huge jerk!!

New Rule #9:     Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you Spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You were probably just high.

New Rule #10:   Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too exciting. What’s next, competitive farting?’

New Rule #11:   I don’t need a bigger mega Smartie. If I’m extra hungry for Smarties, I’ll go nuts and eat two. Or I’ll resort to a Lindt ball. Or two. Or the whole damn box!

New Rule #12:   If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the cinema a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule #14:   If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, “Do you want fries with that?”

New Rule #15:   When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear “27 months.” “He’s two” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese!?

3. You have face wrinkles from intense grunting and straining that normal people don’t have.

4. Your monthly supplement bill is more than your monthly mortgage.

5. If you happen to wake up at 3:00 a.m., you make yourself a protein shake.                                                                          

 6. You start lifting earlier than the U.S. military even gets out of bed.  

7. Your abdominals are super ripped, but for some reason this area is so bloated that it bulges out further than your chest.

8. You hate 13 page magazine information articles on new supplements.

9. You endorse supplements that you wouldn’t even use yourself.     

10. Your workout now takes 1 hour or less compared to when you use to lift for 3 hours a day every day.    

11. People stop working out and watch you as you do your dead lifts.

12. You need 5 spotters when you do squats.

13. You know the gram count of every known protein food source on the planet.                              

14. You have thrown up after doing heavy legs.

15. You REALLY can’t straighten out your elbows.                     

16. You know every muscle in the body by scientific name as well as the correct spellings.

17. You take 9 times the daily recommended dosages on all of the supplements that you take.                             

18. You know that a hip sled isn’t used in the snow.

19. You have to stay downstairs for 2 days after doing legs.

20. The middle of your chest has grown together and is now one huge pec muscle.

21. Your hands are more callused than a bricklayer’s.

22. You know that “Amino” isn’t a Spanish word for friend.

23. Your butt is as hard as your biceps.

24. The bar bends as you mount it when doing heavy squats.

25. You have seen stars while doing squats.

26. You tend to wear shorts on cold days.

27. Your food taste like card board.

28. You have a personalized weight belt.

29. Your kitchen counter is lined with buckets of whey protein.

30. You warm up with more weight than most people work out with.

31. You say to yourself, “Man, am I big”.                            

32. Your buddy has to hand you dumb bells one at a time for benching.

33. You believe the SQUAT is the “King” of all exercises.

34. You know that a “Tear Drop” isn’t from being emotional.

35. You know that “Quad Sweep” isn’t a four sided broom.

36. You want steroids legalized.

37. You know that a “Lat Spread” isn’t a Spanish dinner festival.         

38. Your chest is bigger than your wife/girlfriend’s

39. You hang out at the local gym café drinking protein shakes after your workouts.                                   

40. Your best buddy is a meat cutter at your local super market.                  

41. You have ground all of the enamel off of your teeth.   

42. Your doctor takes blood samples from your bicep veins.

43. You can now make your pec muscles “Dance”.          

44. You would go bankrupt if you had to buy your own 45lb. plates.

45. You realized that competition placings don’t pay enough.    

46. You eat more chicken in one week, then most families eat in a month.

47. You have officiated bench press competitions at your local gym. 

48. You’ve used diet soda as a diuretic.

49. You have a savings account that will later be used for “Gyno” surgery.  

50. You have to use lotion between your thighs after doing legs.

51. You have a dumb bell as a paper weight.

52. You have to wear a T-shirt that says, “No autographs during my workout”.

53. You know that watching your muscles while lifting is not an ego trip.

54. You need two people to tighten your weight belt for dead lifts.     

55. You have to walk through doors sideways.

56. You learned that you have to eat because you have to – not because it tastes good.                  

57. You have an exercise or exercise technique named after you.

58. You take more pills than your grandmother & grandfather put together. 

59. You’re the only guy lifting on a holiday.

60. You’re one of the 10% lifting on the weekend.

61. You ask for a milkshake when you go out drinking with the boys.

62. You realize that lunges aren’t for sissy’s.

63. You carry around a gallon jug of water while you lift.             

64. You’ve taken a trip to Mexico and it wasn’t vacation time.

65. You use the term “Guns” to describe your arm size.

66. You wish protein bars didn’t cost so much.

67. You eat oatmeal by the pound.

68. Your weight goals are: 180 in 1 year, 220 in 2 years, 250 in 3 years and 275 in 4 years.                                     

69. You know to lose fat, you have to eat, not starve on salads.

70. Your wife or girlfriend have said: “That’s Big Enough”

71. You have more competition trophies than family pictures.   

72. You know that an old rusty 50 pound dumb bell weights just as much as as a new 50 pound shiny chrome dumb bell.

73. You know that a “French Press” is not a sexual position.

74. You can only wear extra baggy pants.                 

75. Because you need a dress shirt with an 18” neck, the rest of your shirt looks like a hot air balloon.          

76. Your forearms are bigger than normal peoples thighs.         

77. You have actually tried to dead lift your sisters car when her girlfriends came over.                   

78. You actually, to your own surprise, did lift the car!

79. Everybody knows you by name at your local gym.      

80. You know that there are no secrets to power.

81. You get bruises on your quads from setting dumb bells on them when you do heavy dumb bell bench and presses.      

82. Your traps always tickle your ears when you turn your head sideways.   

83. You can split the back out of most shirts.                     

84. Sweat is always channeled down in between your pecs.      

85. You have 3 dresser drawers full of competition t-shirts.

86. You almost have a heart attack watching other people’s lifting techniques.

87. You no longer do ¼ squats.    

88. You can convert kilo’s into pounds without a calculator or chart.

89. During high school, you failed anatomy class, but now you’re a muscle rocket scientist.                       

90. You can’t possibly sit with your legs closed.                

91. Your gym bag has more accessories than the gym its self. 

92. You can no longer drive small sports cars.

93. You enter truck pulling contests on your days off.

94. You know a vitamin or mineral for every letter of the alphabet.

95. You scare most cops.    

96. You have to store your vitamins and minerals in 3 different spice racks.

97. You asked Santa to get you some new supplements and a squat rack.

98. Your New Years Resolution was to gain another 30 pounds.        

99. Every Halloween you dress up as a Bodybuilder.

100. You take any supplement that claims “Anabolic effects”.

101. You wear a bandana when you lift. 

102. Your gym membership is free because your presence brings in business.

103. You have used medicine intended for animals.

104. Your local veterinarian is your best friend now.

105. You bought 2 cows and 1 horse just to throw off you neighbours.

106. You get massively upset when your workout momentum is interrupted.        

107. You wonder why amino acid pills are so big.             

108. You can actually swallow amino acid horse pills.

109. You still drink raw eggs even though you have had salmonella 5 times.        

110. You hate doing cardio with a passion.

111. You told the pharmacist that, “Oh, those needles are for my diabetic aunt”. 

112. You tried to open a Mexican pharmacy in the States and got arrested.

113. For some reason, in the off season, you move to Mexico to workout.

114. You know more about insulin than people with diabetes.

115. You stay out of bar fights because you know that you can literally rip heads off now.                  

116. You can carry 37 bags from the car after buying groceries.

117. Your friends always want you to help them move.

118. People actually say “Excuse Me” when they bump into you.

119. You have your supplier’s name on speed dial. 

•1.      GAUTENG NORTH QUALIFYING

Will take place at OXYGEN on Saturday 17 May 2008. Weigh in will be 7h00 and competition will start at 9h00. Entry fee will be R 50.00 and all competitors must be affiliated. This is the last chance to qualify for 2008 SA`s.

•2.      OXYGEN DAY AT ZAMBESI RETAIL PARK

A fun day full of events, music etc will take place at Zambesi Retail Park on 31 May 2008. The Chaos strongmen will again do their training in the parking area. More info will be posted soon.

•3.      SA POWERLIFTING CHAMPIONSHIPS

The 2008 SA`s will take place in Durban on 13 & 14 June 2008. OXYGEN / Chaos will be well represented.

 •4.      OXYGEN  / CHAOS RAW BENCH PRESS CHALLENGE

Will take place on Saturday 28 June 2008 at Montana Traders ( next to Kolonnade ). Anybody is welcome to enter and the winners will be elected according to the WILKS FORMULA (which allow lifters of different bodyweights to equally compete against each other ). Entry fees will be R 100-00 and prize money will be available to the top 3 lifters. Entries close on 17 June 2008.

 •5.       OXYGEN  / CHAOS STRONGMAN EXPO

Will take place on Sunday 29 June 2008 at Montana Traders ( next to Kolonnade ). We will have at least four of the top strongman in SA to perform some incredible events for the entertainment of the spectators. The expo will start at 10h00 till 14h00. The spectators will be encouraged to participate and there will be lots of prizes to be won. Arno Jordaan will perform from 14h00 and this will ensure a packed events arena.

 •6.      OXYGEN FITNESS WEEKEND

Event nr 2 and 3 are part of the global OXYGEN fitness weekend that will take place at Montana Traders  on the weekend of 28/29 June 2008. Other events including a Spinning Marathon, exhibitions from supplement suppliers , membership specials and lots of prizes to be won etc. There will also be live music on Saturday and Sunday, as well as the usual entertainment for kids.

 •7.      SA STRONGMAN CHAMPIONSHIPS

The 2008 event will take place on the weekend of 26/27 July 2008 at Hillfox Market in Roodepoort. OXYGEN / Chaos will be well represented.

 •8.      CHAOS POWER TRIATHLON

The first ever POWER TRIAHLON will take place at Zambesi Retail Park on Saturday 16 August 2008. Entry fees will be R 150-00 and the invites must be returned not later than 4 August 2008.

This will be a first ever and is definitely going to be the ” in event ” for upcoming power meets.

Basically you will have a lifter that will do his nine competition attempts in a cut off time of  12 minutes. Own time, own lifting order, own music etc. We will invite 25 top lifters from around SA to compete and the winner will also be elected on the Wilks Formula. Prize money will be up for grabs and this event has the potential to be the most exciting power event ever. This event will not only test the lifter`s raw strength but also their endurance and cardiovascular fitness. This event will take place at night, to enable us to use lasers, smoke machines, spotlights.

 •9.      2008 HUMMER SA GRIP CHALLENGE

 This will be the first SA Grip Championship since 2001. With the sponsorship of HUMMER and the perfect venue at Zambesi Retail Park , this promises to be a huge and exciting event. Plans are already in place to make this an annual event , with possible regional trials to qualify for this event. Will probably only take place on 30 August 2008.

 We are planning to host the finals at night, with lots of lights, strobes, lasers, smoke machines,music etc. It promises to be an exciting event with very good prize money.

•10.    WORLD SUB JUNIOR AND JUNIOR POWERLIFTING CHAMPIONSHIPS

This world championship will take place in Potchefstroom from 2 – 6 September 2008. Chaos / OXYGEN will be represented.

•11.  GAUTENG NORTH BENCH PRESS CHAMPIONSHIPS

The 2008 GN Bench Press Championships will take place on Saturday 13 September 2008 at Zambesi Retail Park. Entry fees will be R 100-00 and entries close on 15 August 2008. Lifters need to be affiliated and have achieved a Green incentive to compete. To be able to win a title and trophy a Blue incentive must be achieved. Weigh in will be 9h00 and lifting start at 11h00.  

•12.    2008 SOUTH AFRICAN INTERPROVINCIAL BENCH PRESS AND POWERLIFTING CHAMPIONSHIPS

The SA Powerlifting Federation has awarded Gauteng North the honor to host this Championship. It will take place on Saturday 18 October 2008 at Zambesi Retail Park. Most of the provinces will take part and  very strong teams from Gauteng, North West and Free State are expected to compete.   More details will follow as the entries etc are administered by the SAPF.  

•13.  Strongmen Expo – KERSIE FEES – Ficksburg

Strongmen from OXYGEN / Chaos will host a strongman competition / expo at the Kersie fees in Ficksburg on the weekend of 21/22 November 2008.

•14.    2008 NUTRITION LAB GAUTENG NORTH POWERLIFTING CHAMPIONSHIPS

After the success of the 2007 championships, the 2008 Championship will again be hosted at Zambesi Retail Park on Saturday 29 November 2008. Entry fees will be R 100-00 and entries close on 27 October 2008. Lifters need to be affiliated and have achieved a Green incentive to compete. To win a title and trophy a Blue incentive must be achieved. Weigh-in will be 8h00 and the competition will start  at 10h00.  

LMAO